I like to think of myself as a scientist. I like to think of myself as a scientist because no one else has ever called me a scientist so if I don’t think it, then no one else will. I know that some of my colleagues have gone into jungles and intermingled with species, or that one guy who studied grizzly bears and was ultimately killed and eaten by them. I, however, am studying the most intelligent animal, the human female. Not your average female though, a specific population of females, the sorority girl. Throughout my time since I’ve returned to Alabama, but especially in these last six months, I’ve procured extensive amounts of data from all my days spent observing. One might say me being silent and “loner-esque” in the classroom could be because I’m shy, awkward, anxious, or another might say I perfected the persona due to me being too cool for school. I’d like to say, a scientist has to stay focused. Granted, I really had no reason to comment on any of this because surely there have been observations made from a GDI regarding the Greek life, but again, the summer is long and I have no more blogs to write for the school newspaper that might’ve possibly been ready by absolutely no one, so it’s my time to shine. Like the sun. In the summer. Since it’s always so hot.

We all have our predispositions about sorority girls. Mine seems to be unchanged from the song Valley Girl by Frank Zappa with his daughter, Moon even though that song has nothing to do with sorority girls but maybe since it has girls in the title I can’t differentiate. Please, no one listen to that song and then compare it to the sorority girl experience because there’s no basis that they resemble one another at all, and I probably shouldn’t have included those sentences. A sorority girl is very easy to spot in the wild. I’ve not infiltrated the ranks far enough to know if this is mandatory, but every single one of them looks the exact same. It always is strange to me to remember what girls dressed like while in high school while then evolving into the same outfit every single day while in college. I don’t even know if I’ve seen many pairs of Nike running shorts in stores, and yet at the same time, every single girl will own a pair. Are they comfortable? I hope so since I’ve tried to buy some online and then worried that me showing off 80% of my thighs might not be appreciated and I ultimately shied away. Oh, and the oversized t-shirts! How could one forget those? Running shorts and oversized t-shirts, it’s the only fashion I’ve ever seen a sorority girl wear. During the day that is. At night, it’s like Cinderella turning into a princess. I’m not saying the girls aren’t already princesses or beautiful like Cinderella at the ball during the day. I’m more saying, they turn from one specific matching outfit to dresses, and fashionable outfits, and makeup, and into whole different women. I think it’s actually strange for me, that I see these ladies so much in their “I don’t have to impress anyone” attire (to be fair, I’m quoting someone, not making my own judgement) and then I see them gussied up and I’m like wow, but you were just as attractive before, you don’t need to do all this work. Though again, who am I to judge however someone wants to dress? I can only judge the homeless for their fashion choices because I feel that’s the most similar to my own personal style and usually when I judge them I take hints from how to improve my own apparel selection.

I can harp on about their fashion and all that later. What I need to focus on is what inspired me to write this in the first place and that is the sorority girl diet. Though they may be wearing these large t-shirts reminding themselves of their exclusively rich and white social gatherings, you can tell that these girls are still thin. I should also add I’m not trying to slander sororities, heck, they raise a lot of money for charities, they seem to promote academia as a priority, and they would most likely not condone someone being punched in the face repeatedly at a party because someone said to a guy, “I heard you sucked a dick.” (Yes, that did happen at frat party that I was at for some weird, unknown reason.) Also, yes, all the sorority girls I’ve seen or interacted with have been very inclusive and especially in the Social Work program, very pro civil rights issues that the Greek system may get a bad rap for. I almost regret that sentence I wrote but for one, I don’t edit anything, and for two, I did watch a guy get attacked just for the possibility he had a gay experience. Anyways…THE SORORITY GIRL DIET. Just yesterday, I was watching as girls around me were complaining about how hungry they were. I understood their pain, during last semester there were times where I didn’t eat in an hour break between my three-hour classes and I was just plain miserable. Thus, during a break, I quietly joined a group of three girls questing to find a vending machine after finding out the fast food was closed. Though they ultimately gave up their quest, I continued on, mainly because I had nothing else to do, and also because I wanted to be a hero. Or I really just wanted a bottle of water because I feel it’s very hard to properly hydrate through a water fountain. As I am the hero of my own life story, I did find the vending machines, I vanquished the threats, I alerted the women, and I got my gosh dang water. This isn’t about me though, I’m just the silent observing doing this all for research. The story is about what happened afterward after the girls came back with their assorted sweet and savory treats. As I watched two girls eat Doritos and drink regular soda, while stashing away candy in their backpack, I overheard a girl excitedly saying how she’d now be able to go out four nights in a row during the summer semester. Let me be straightforward and say that I am in no ways a hater, I’m very supportive of going out on the town night in and night out. I also love Doritos and that sweet, sweet flavor of a Reese’s Cup. Guzzling down an ice cold Dr. Pepper right afterward? Sign me up honey. My only issue is that I don’t understand. I just simply do not understand! I’ve eaten like five salads in the last four days, maybe even six and I look like the Pillsbury dough boy come to life on a good day. I remember at one point in the last few months, I heard a girl talk about trying to do the elliptical three times a week. This same girl was eating Skittles or some candy every single day as well. I’m here chugging bottles of water left and right, and watching my belly jiggle like a water bed. Did they make a pact with the devil? Do they perform some weird satanic rituals to be able to eat as much junk food as they want while also keeping a body that can fit into a multitude of single digit dress sizes for an entire school year?

All these questions and more will be answered over this summer. Is that a promise? No, it is not. Because being a silent observer tends to not get as many answers compared to a skilled interrogator, but I also don’t want to blow my cover seeing as how I’ve seemed to have been accepted into their good graces. Only time will tell if I get more answers to my questions, or if I get more questions that I need to search for answers. Just know, this is just the beginning of an in-depth investigative journalism report that I have been conducting for months. Most likely the next time will revolve more around the sheer facts and not conjecture, and also not as many comments about me being a hero. Stick with me and soon, we’ll all know more about sorority girls than we ever thought possible from an outsider. So it goes.