These aren’t by Dre. Or these aren’t in reference to Dwight Schrute. Though they do relate much more to him than the formerly mentioned Dr. Now that I mentioned Dr this also isn’t a post about the misogynistic article written about Dr. Jill Biden by some old man. This is just about everyone’s least favorite vegetable. Is you’ve ever wondered what dirt tastes like combined with the color purple then you’ve had a beet. Does this sentence even make sense? No. It’s asking if you’ve ever wondered about something and then saying that you’ve had that something. I regret that sentence. As I’ve written about previously, I like to show my mistakes to show I’m flawed. I sometimes proclaim myself a living god in these blogs so I like to show I’m fallible. I also think it was only one time I spoke of myself as some omniscient presence but since I don’t have any Broadway shows to review right now, or international adventures to chronicle, it’s more likely that I’ll say it again.

I digress. Do people like beets? Do beets have a purpose? I do not care if there’s an answer other than no, because the answer is no. I had beet salad for dinner last night and lunch today. Did I enjoy it? Do I feel better about my life choices? No. It was a stark reminder of how much you can be hurt by forgetting to do one simple thing of actually checking on your food delivery orders because you forgot about it since they forgot about you and didn’t deliver the week prior to that. So due to you not even knowing if you’d receive food this week (that you paid for), you might’ve forgotten to check on the meals and switch anything out if you didn’t like it. No one likes beets. No one opens a box of food and thinks “Oh my gosh, it’s beets. I’m so ecstatic.” If someone tells you different, they are liars and untrustworthy. If anyone ever says anything positive about beets, they should be by a beet. As I wrote that sentence I apologize for the condoning of violence, but it also reminded me about radishes which are also terrible. Those can be pickled though and used in like Korean cuisine and that’s pretty cool. Some might say that the same can be done with a beet, and I’d tell that person to give themselves a swirly in a toilet full of pickle juice because I think their opinion is full of shit. That was a convoluted sentence with not a lot of pay off. You know what? Not a big fan of pickles either! Except I do have aspirations to become a pickler so I’m not going to go fully nuclear with my pickle takes.

A few weeks ago, I was peeling some beets. I was peeling off the skin that was dirt flavored because beets are just spherical purple dirt particles compacted together. While peeling the beet, I also peeled off my skin and didn’t stop bleeding for over an hour. I thought a good idea would be to cauterize the wound by lighting Q-tips on fire and applying them to my bleeding skin. That wasn’t a good idea and I wouldn’t have had to resort to that if beets didn’t exist. I don’t have an excuse for why I had beets in that meal delivery thing, I probably just happened to forget that beets are awful. I think it’s a commonly accepted fact that people say ignorance is bliss are stupid and use that idiom to rationalize their own lack of knowledge. My point is, ignorance isn’t bliss because bliss is a world where you don’t eat beets. I was ignorant and I ate beets. Sure, I do believe that that wound healed and the burnt Q-tip skin of mine was eventually replaced by fresh, new normal skin. Just last week I started bleeding due to cutting my hand while turning on a light in a bathroom. I could just have weak skin, or I could be suffering like Job. I don’t know much more about Job from the Bible other than he was constantly suffering and that it probably involved beets.

Seriously y’all, there’s no big point here. There’s no hidden metaphor. I just don’t like beets and it’s a very slow day at work and I wanted to rant and rave a little about them. Like even at their best, they aren’t good, they just taste a little less like dirt. But again, that’s not something to be proud of. Oh great, you’re better than me digging into the earth with a spade and eating that. Big whoop. Go take a bow. You must be so proud of yourself. I literally just googled beets and this came up: “What’s more, they are delicious and easy to add to your diet.” Maybe the internet was a mistake. Maybe too much knowledge or such easy access to everything has rotted our brains in some manner. That that is the first thing that pops up when you search for beets is such an infuriating conundrum that I can’t do this anymore. By this, I just mean continue to write about beets. Now I’m an anomaly, now I’m deviating from the script because I’m purporting the truth. The hell is wrong with people? I’m at a loss for words. Minus the previous 900 but those were all pre-googling of beets. I’m in shock. Like what? IT’S BEETS.

In other news, Cleveland Indians are changing their name huh? That’s probably (definitely) long overdue. So it goes.