Stanley Kubrick was a genius, an auteur. A master filmmaker, one of the best there ever was. What was one of his greatest projects? The 1969 moon landing starring Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. No, it didn’t win any Academy Awards, although it should have, and most humanity doesn’t consider it a film, but I know the truth. It was made on a Hollywood lot to help boost that American spirit and usher in the Cold War. Not sure if ushering in the Cold War was a good thing, but hey, that just shows how impactful that film truly was. I should also add that I’m not a big fan of Full Metal Jacket which I think is important to add because it shows that I can be critical of the Kubz. Just adds more meaning to my awe of his talents because I don’t turn a blind eye to his flaws either. For even more context, I didn’t like The Shining either! Which has nothing to do with his directorial style, more so with the fact that I do not like horror movies and I watched it when I was young and got scared and never finished it. Nor the book. Context matters.

This brings me to my next point. Why are parents lying to us as children? Why are we told the stork does not exist? I just googled an image of a stork because I forgot what it looked like, and there was an image of a stork that was six feet tall and a caveman human that was 3 feet tall with a 2-foot child. This was from NPR. That’s an actual legit organization. After I preached about context, I did not read anymore other than looking at that image because it told me everything I need to know. As I’m getting up there in age, meaning I just turned 18 last week but am very mature, I’m having friends starting to settle down and start families. It’s very funny to me that they do the whole pomp and circumstance of growing a (fake) belly, going to the hospital for a (fake) delivery, and bringing home a (real) baby. I am not saying pregnancy isn’t real, I am not saying babies aren’t real, I’m just saying the circumstances of birth are a lie. There are factories in the skies that are run by stork corporations who deliver babies to good husbands and wives and wives and wives and husbands and husbands and everything in between. Don’t believe me? Think I’m a foolish idiot? Try to prove me wrong. [Editor’s Note: Please do not try to prove me wrong because I think it would be very easy to do so and it would hurt my, I mean the author’s, feelings.]

What is the point of writing this? I’m not entirely sure. Should I just end it right there? No, I’ll try to explain, but the further I explain the more and more idiotic I’ll appear. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job of expressing that thus far. Regardless, I was having a conversation with my wife last night regarding pregnancy. Yes, I brought up this stork point to her. She thought I was kidding. Why would I lie? I brought up the moon landing. Because of course, I did, it’s the truth! Has everyone actually seen a baby being born? Ha, exactly! Replace that with anyone and the answer is obviously yes, but if you stick in everyone then the answer is no. Logic! How was I created? I assume a stork delivered me to a river, much like Moses, I was picked up by a dalmatian who retrieved me from a dam, and dropped me off on the doorstep of my parent’s Nebraska home. If sounds nonsensical, think about the idea of a living human growing inside of another human. I understand making pee and poo, but a human? A fetus, a changeling, an it, whatever you wish to call it. Somehow we’re creating feces at the same time, we’re creating a living organism? Yeah, forget about it.

The moral of the story, I’m really happy for my best friend and his wife having a newborn. I’m not going to ask them how it happened because I know what they’re going to say, and I don’t like being lied to. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m celebrating the next chapter of their lives and I’m excited to watch the (stork) baby grow. I really can’t believe this post lasted 800 words after a thirty-minute conversation last night about this same topic that my spouse walked away from because she was fed up with it. So it goes.*

*This post was mostly bad satire. Or that’s how I’m going to phrase it so I can say it was me failing to be funny, instead of me ranting and raving about how I still struggle with the inability to wrap my head around the possibility of pregnancy/childbirth. However, people like Joe Rogan and his followers who do believe things like the moon landing are fake are abhorrent and truly ruining modern-day intellectualism. Please be educated, and not an idiot. It ain’t that hard. So it goes (again).